I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
