I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
