Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
