i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
