Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
