i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
