dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
