the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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