i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
handjob tips. give me some.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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