You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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