just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
