I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize