you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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