I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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