at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
