I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
