Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

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(510): View more from California

I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.

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(585): View more from New York

A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment

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(530): View more from California

I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.

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(425): View more from Washington

I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.

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(360): View more from Washington

when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants

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