My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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