i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Vodka?
Forever.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
