Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
