I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
