If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
