I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
