Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
