I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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