nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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