Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
