i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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