There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
