I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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