In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
