So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Too much gin, very little bucket
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
