Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
