I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She even gives head with a lisp.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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