Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
