he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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