Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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