i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
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