we have pet lesbian snakes
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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