Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
