For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
