Umm I'm too high to move.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
