I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
