i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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