I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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