you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
