i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
