My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
