you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
