help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
