I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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