is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
