Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
