omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
