i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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