I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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