idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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