i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
