You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He told me they were just razor bumps!
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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