At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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