shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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