i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
