I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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