Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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