i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize